TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, INCOME, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Income, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Income, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Gains, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Employees Satirist | SpinTaxi Magazine | Confirmed by a Camouflaged Sommelier and Four Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace ended up a penthouse, it will include a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker accessibility. That's the eyesight behind Trump Tower Damascus, the most up-to-date geopolitical improvement-slash-luxury real estate calamity introduced by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and minimum-sued architects.


Of course, The person who put casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Image catalogs has now set his eye on the Middle East. Instead of the usual Dubai skyline filler possibly-no, we're chatting Damascus, town historically noted for ancient society, fatal proxy wars, and now… infinity pools with sights of contested airspace.


"It'll be great. Remarkable!" Trump declared by way of a leaked golf cart Zoom phone, streamed through the Placing inexperienced inside of Mar-a-Lago's Condition Bunker. "We've experienced stunning ceasefires in Syria. A few of the finest. But now, we're constructing them with balconies."



Welcome into the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-story gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus just like a shaved alpaca within a falafel stand-baffled, majestic, and solely out of area. Intended by Slovenian company Ivana & Sons, the tower attributes:




  • A three-ground On line casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Pleased Hour right up until the drone flies")




  • Plus a nine/11-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officers politely described as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses claimed mixed reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a local textile service provider, sighed, "We waited ten decades for potable water. But Certainly, confident, let's have A different location wherever American Guys can wear robes and contact it diplomacy."


Meanwhile, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes healing." When questioned how, she replied, "With velvet curtains along with a pillow menu, not surprisingly."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. overseas plan analysts are contacting this by far the most audacious peace try since Kissinger unintentionally joined a rave in Cyprus. Whilst previous negotiations failed underneath the burden of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's approach is easier: provide everyone a set about the 72nd floor and comp their mojitos.


Based on files released on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal contains "luxurious diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration between rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, total with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This is smooth power," claimed political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Television, wielding a deal along with a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO would not. Geopolitical gridlock wants much less diplomats and much more minibar updates."



Just what the Critics Are Screaming


International watchdogs have sounded the alarm, generally into gold-plated intercoms mounted in Each and every device. The UN Particular Rapporteur for Conflict of Fascination mentioned, "It's actually not that Trump should Trump Tower Damascus not open up a tower inside a war zone. It truly is that he ought to end applying it to lease ballroom space to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when questioned concerning the undertaking, replied, "You already know, person, I once rode a camel in Beirut. Great folks. Excellent tan. Anyway, do I nevertheless have that ice cream?"


Meanwhile, The Hague has reserved a collection for "long run evidence storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has officially referred towards the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing unit of your Levant."



Satellite Shots Expose… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit uncovered that the hotel's landscaping sorts an enormous Trump head noticeable from space, a element currently being marketed as "desert-evidence branding." The mustache is constructed from refugee tents along with the chin is… nicely, categorised.


Environmental groups have submitted lawsuits immediately after obtaining the developing's gold plating reflected a great deal of sunlight it spontaneously blinded three migrating storks and set hearth to an area melon cart.


"It's not just hideous. It is a war criminal offense with curtains," reported Amnesty Global's regional director.



The Melania Wing together with other Confusing Attributes


Perhaps the strangest factor with the tower is its Melania Wing, which includes:




  • A silent atrium wherever friends may ponder obscure disappointment




  • A replica of her Slovenian Bed room, total with climate Management set to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which incorporates her "I do not care, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Display screen.




Neighborhood Syrians are unsure what to help make of this. "Is she a ghost?" asked 12-yr-aged Ahmad, pointing into a holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Marketing and advertising Strategy: "When you Bomb It, They'll Appear"


The advert marketing campaign, not too long ago leaked by using the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is bold. 1 poster reads:


"Peace is Non permanent. Luxury is For good."


A further slogan, now circulating in Beirut coffee stores:


"A Tower So Big, Even Assad Has to Notice."


Public reception is wildly divided. A the latest SnapPoll done within a hookah lounge exhibits:




  • 34% say "it would stabilize the region"




  • 29% say "this could escalate regional kitsch"




  • 18% reported "where by's the nearest elevator to your West Bank?"





Trader Praise: "Ultimately, a Disaster That Pays"


The venture is now attracting consideration from Intercontinental buyers, which includes:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights as a foreign minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an nameless TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who explained he'll purchase a few penthouses "just to flex on Hezbollah."




In keeping with a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's business level will also include:




  • A Dollar Store of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Concept Park Identified as 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Space Based upon the Iraq War





Comment Part Chaos


On the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb report about the revealing, user @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Won't be able to wait to view a marriage in the middle of a ceasefire. Hope they throw grenades in place of rice."


Consumer @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Ultimately, a resort where by my PTSD might have flip-down assistance."


Another article from @KuwaitiKardashian only asked:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Impact


U.S. officials fret the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real Estate Arms Race." Reports recommend:




  • China could open the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is preparing a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly available to make a Tesla showroom about the Golan Heights driven by Uncooked ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten associated. In keeping with https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has made available to bless the plumbing… but provided that he can rename the very best ground "The Holy See-Level Suite."



Ultimate Thoughts with the Trump Basis for Peace & Pancakes™


Inside a closing ceremony that associated three camels, a flamethrower, plus a hologram of Reagan supplying a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed more than the speakers:


"Damascus wanted hope. It desired gold. It required a waterslide shaped similar to the Structure. I gave all of it 3. You happen to be welcome."

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